feeling like you are exactly where you need to be, without having that self-defeating fear of waiting for something bad to happen; priceless.

i'm in new york (kinda...i'm sleeping in jersey). i don't think i've ever had a bad time in the city; not even when my prom limo driver fell asleep at the wheel for a moment. i was so young, death wasn't an issue. it was kind of exciting that we almost crashed. it was another great new york story. i still have pictures somewhere. we got out of the limo and some random puerto rican dude, dressed in a top hat, began to vogue on top of the hood of the limo. i was sixteen. life couldn't get any better.

i'm in the city for book expo america...my FAVORITE conference. it's just authors, publishers, actors, professors, media personalities, reporters and books everywhere. a convention center full of thinkers. the first year i attended; i collected about 50 books in one day. how do you turn down a free advance copy? the expo was in DC. i'd flown in from l.a. i could barely carry the books from the center to the metro station. by the end of the expo...i had so many books, i had to pack and ship them back to l.a.

this is my fourth year attending the expo. i've had a good time every year, but my attitude is different and so is my experience. i've been out of l.a. for a year now and have shed some of the entitlement-itis that i'd acquired. i went to the expo with a plan. it's a very simple plan. i just wanted to engage a few people in conversation to see what i can learn...and what i can offer.

when i had entitlement-itis, folks were supposed to just be impressed with me. i mean, clearly, if you purchased a book by a dude who's never written before and didn't go to school, of course you'll be excited about me...i went to afi...i worked for the national enquirer...hello...does anyone care????

truthfully, i can't blame it all on entitlement-itis. i just have a hard time with most humans in general. i prefer to observe, much more than i enjoy enaging. small talk is like kryptonite to me. the conundrum is that i am a human magnet.

i am getting better.

in my effort to engage today, i had one conversation in particular which has me thinking. i was discussing some of the issues i've had to deal with socially once i came out; specifically in relationship to straight black men.

i've had a few incidents where people have been rude. i've had some old "friends" behave in ways that i wouldn't have expected. usually when i share these stories, the conversation ends up being about the behavior of the other people and how inappropriate it is.

today i was asked, 'what has that done to you?'

i think i was able to string together an answer, but the whole time i was thinking, 'i don't really know.' as i sat on the train headed home, i began to really think about how i started distancing myself and creating walls. i can go as far back as being five years old and recall incidents that added bricks. in some ways, i'd chalked up my social behavior to fairly recent experiences, but i'm not so sure that's true.

i've always just owned the desire to be alone with my own thoughts as a natural personality trait. maybe some of it is, but i am wondering if some of that was a choice i made very early in life, because it's just easier.

engaging isn't so bad.

i had a chance to meet nikki turner today. she is a best-selling author and publisher of urban fiction. the moment i had with her has affected how i look at the genre. cornel west took a moment to speak with me on the convention floor. i wasn't going to bother him, but he saw that i clearly was interested. he stopped what he was about to do and stepped back to greet me and talk for a quick moment. i was introduced to dana dane by my good friend michelle. she told told him that i was a fan. we took photos and then as i was leaving, he stopped me and said, it was a pleasure for me to meet you as well. i met a couple that wrote a book about how to make a vacation out of driving I-95. they gave me a copy and told me to keep in touch. i ran into a couple authors who were panelists for my class last semester.

it was all good.

the most important thing about the whole experience is how it all just feels right. good friends. new friends. interesting conversation. books. great pizza. nyc. family. it's great when you can love the moment your having without worrying about what's going to happen next.

peace out.

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